the whole idea of using had become repugnant to me and I wanted to stop, I couldn't, which is textbook definition of active addiction ."
-- Anthony Kiedis, Scar tissue.

This sentance triggered some thoughts inside of me.

This is how I am with my health. I know there is something wrong with me, I know how I can get better and what I need to give up in order to get better, and yet I cannot do it. When I am sick, all I want to happen is my life to go back to how it was at the start of this year (or better, how it was three years ago before all of this happened), but I cannot bring myself to give up what is required in order for me to get better. I don't want to live my life without these things.

I guess I am not at the bottom yet, once I am there, I can begin to rebuild.